You will never feel secure while depending on others for your physical or emotional safety or well-being. You protect yourself from being hurt by setting and maintaining interpersonal boundaries. Boundaries are limits that define a person’s comfort zone. When boundaries are not respected people feel as though they are violated, which is destructive to relationships. Boundaries can be physical, such as not touching one’s person or possessions, or they can be emotional, such as needing to be respectful of one’s feelings, or confidences. This tool will help you minimize conflict and maximize the opportunity for closeness while protecting the boundaries you need to feel safe in relationships.
Every human exchange has attributes of form as well as content. The formal aspect of an interaction involves the way the individuals treat each other in the transaction. For example, is it formal or informal? Honest or deceptive? Respectful or threatening?, etc. The content is what is being done or discussed. Physical content could include types of touching that are and are not acceptable, or personal items that must not be touched, or moved or taken. Emotional content is whatever a conversation might be about. Common contents that might become emotionally charged include; money, parenting, health, etc. Using the Form Before Content Tool involves setting a boundary, where you will not entertain any content unless the form is civil or respectful. If you respond to content while the form is disrespectful, or worse yet abusive, you reinforce that it is acceptable to treat you this way. Refusal to respond when treated disrespectfully installs a healthy boundary – that communication must be respectful. Below is a hypothetical example of a conversation between a parent and a child concerning the child’s wish to use the parents’ car. Without the Form-Before-Content Tool: Child: “Can I borrow the car tonight?” Parent: “I’m sorry, I need it tonight.” Child: “What do you have to do that is so important?” Parent: “I have book club every Thursday night.” Child: “Can’t you miss one precious night?” Parent: “The group is expecting me.” Child: “That’s right you put your stupid book club before me. What kind of a loser parent are you?” Parent: “This is my car. I will let you use it when I can but it would help if you gave me notice.” Child: “Forget it. I don’t need your stinking car.” In this dialogue the parent ignores the child’s form, which is escalation in aggression towards the parent, and focuses only on the content. This signals to the child that it is acceptable to use aggression to try to compel the parent and so the child escalates the aggression further in an effort to change the parent’s mind about giving up the car. With the Form-Before-Content Tool: Child: “Can I borrow the car tonight?” Parent: “I’m sorry, I need it tonight.” Child: “What do you have to do that is so important?” Parent: “It is not important what I am doing tonight, it is important that I already have plans to use the car so it is not available to you this evening.” Child: “Oh that’s showing me who is boss.” Parent: “I am willing to have a discussion with you about your evening plans but not until you speak to me in a respectful tone, and I will do the same towards you.” Using the Form-Before-Content Tool the parent sets the first boundary when the child asks what the parent is doing. The form here is that the child is going to judge (with a bias) whether the parent’s plans for the evening justify denying the child the use of the car. This form – the parent allowing the child to judge the parent’s decision – is rejected by the parent, and a boundary is set. The second boundary was set when the child began to get sassy. The parent then clearly stated the willingness to discuss the child’s needs/wants but only if the child remains respectful. The child will either accept the boundary or test it by attempting to violate it. The child is strongly encouraged to accept the boundary by the offer to discuss the child’s needs/wants if the form is acceptable. If the child does accept the boundary then effort should be made to facilitate the child’s agenda without undue compromise on the parent’s part. If the child challenges the boundary, such as by escalating the aggressiveness towards abusiveness, then the conversation must be shut down immediately. The parent must refuse to discuss the topic until the tone is adjusted. While the example above depicts a parent and a child, the Form-Before-Content Tool can be used effectively in any relationship. This tool is often used in the workplace, although it is not labeled this way. Most businesses have protocols that contain boundaries as to how employees must treat customers and each other. When installing these boundaries into relationships that have been operating dysfunctionally without them some resistance is to be expected. The resistance mostly takes the form of testing the boundaries. This involves violating them to see if you are committed to your boundary. If you hold those boundaries consistently, the amount of testing is likely to decrease as the boundary is finally accepted. Remember, the person you are setting boundaries with benefits from these boundaries because they allow you to be closer to them and more cooperative with them. This is a form of relationship building. Without these boundaries you are likely to end up resenting them because you allow them to be hurtful to you, which is destructive to the relationship.
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Expressing anger in a relationship can cause damage to the relationship. In the extreme form anger is expressed abusively and damages both the other person and the relationship. This makes the other person angry and escalates conflict. This tool will show you how anger can be productively expressed without hurting others. Without this tool or another of similar function, anger cannot be discussed or resolved between individuals or in families. The experience of anger is the result of a perceived threat. It comes from the perception that someone has hurt you, is hurting you or will hurt you. The expression of anger is designed to push others away. Typical expressions include: yelling, threatening violence or other hurt, causing emotional pain, such as humiliation, etc. All of these expressions are experienced as toxic and work well to push others away. If you don’t want to push the other person away, then you must express the underlying pain rather than the resultant anger. The simplest form of this transaction is to just say “ouch”. This is generally a very effective way of stopping a painful interaction. The next step is to determine how you are being hurt so that you can express it, which is often sufficient to stop the hurt. There are many different forms of hurt that occur between individuals, and the more specific you are the more focused the conversation that follows. Common forms of hurt include:
Utilization of the anger tool is likely to radically improve the outcome of efforts at speaking to others about painful feelings. The example below will demonstrate the same interaction between a parent and a child with and without the anger tool. Without the Anger Tool: Child: “What the hell were you doing going through my things? What kind of parent are you? Don’t you trust me? Stay the hell out of my room, my things and my life!” This angry response features many attacks on the parent’s behavior and character. When individuals feel attacked, they become defensive, resulting in a response that might sound like this: Parent: “What else can I do after what you put me through with your stealing and drugging? You should be thankful that I don’t kick you out of here.” The parent responds defensively and then counters with a threat of rejection/abandonment. The longer this conversation continues the more damage is done to the relationship. Now let’s look at the same exchange utilizing the anger tool. With the Anger Tool: Child: “It really hurts my feelings when you go through my things. It makes me feel that you don’t trust me and it makes it very hard for me to feel welcome here.” The child here expresses two different kinds of hurt: not being trusted and being unwanted/unwelcome. The expression of pain is more likely to get a supportive response that facilitates resolution, such as: Parent: “Of course you are welcome here, but I worry about some of your activities and I fear that you don’t tell me about some things that might be dangerous to you.” Here the parent addresses the child’s feelings (being unwelcome), expresses her feelings and offers a productive resolution (more communication). The anger tool can also be used effectively to modify angry communications that are hurtful to you. This is done by recognizing that when others are expressing anger towards you it is because they perceive you as a source of hurt, or a threat. Without the anger tool you are likely to feel attacked and respond defensively. Knowing that pain lies beneath anger allows you to ask an angry person about their pain, thus refocusing the conversation to a more productive exchange. An example of how the parent might have used the anger tool in the above example where the child does not use the anger tool is presented below: Child: “What the hell were you doing going through my things? What kind of parent are you? Don’t you trust me? Stay the hell out of my room, my things and my life!” Utilizing the anger tool, the parent can thus respond: Parent: “I see that you are deeply hurt by my going through your things and I can see how not being trusted makes you feel unwelcome. Let’s try to come to another way to address my fears and concerns about your doing things that are bad for you.” Consistent use of the anger tool allows individuals and families to communicate more comfortably and effectively about their feelings while increasing the chance of resolution and decreasing the conflict. This will increase trust and respect between individuals resulting in a stronger and more durable and secure bond between individuals with a greater level of comfort and satisfaction. |
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