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Borderline Blog

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY disorder IS A BRUTAL DISEASE THAT CAUSES PAIN DIRECTLY TO THOSE who SUFFER AND INDIRECTLY TO THOSE who ARE CLOSE TO THE SUFFERS. tHIS BLOG IS TO PROVIDE A FORUM FOR THOSE WHO SUFFER EITHER DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY TO HELP HEAL.

Why is setting boundaries with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) so difficult?

3/26/2017

7 Comments

 
​Healthy relationships are based on behavioral boundaries that are understood and respected by both parties. Individuals who suffer from BPD are offended by your efforts to set boundaries with them. Their resistance to this process is a major factor in causing their relationships to be unstable and unsatisfactory to them. Understanding why this is the case requires an understanding of how having BPD inhibits the ability to understand boundaries and to use them to strengthen relationships.
 
Boundaries are expressions of what we need to feel safe and comfortable in relationships. This may include how you feel about being touched by another person, what you like to be called (e.g. Robert, Rob, Bob or Bobby, etc.). Safety and comfort are necessary for intimacy. The wish to be intimate is a motivation for respecting boundaries.
 
Healthy individuals understand that setting boundaries is a process of relationship building and they appreciate the opportunity to make you feel comfortable. They do not mind, not smoking in your house or not calling the home phone after 10 PM on weeknights. They feel privileged when you say “My friends call me Bobby” and are happy to comply with these boundaries.
 
Sufferers of BPD see your setting boundaries with them as a form of rejection. It makes them feel bad about themselves; less than. They believe that if you love them you will tolerate any and all behavior on their part to prove it. BPD causes sufferers to need constant reassurance from others that they are loved. This need causes them to test others in various ways to get them to prove their love and commitment. One core testing behavior is the challenging of personal boundaries. Seeing if you will speak to them at 2 AM because that is when they want to talk, even though you asked them not to call that late because you get up early for work in the morning, is such a test. The first part of the test is whether or not you pick up the phone. If you pass the first part, then the second part is whether or not you are angry. If you fail the first part you will be punished the next time you do speak. You will be accused of not being available in an emergency and of not caring. If you do pick up the phone and you are angry, you will be accused of being unloving and unsympathetic. The only way to pass the test is to allow them to violate your boundary and be nice about it!! Once you do this, the boundary will be retested. It will be assumed that since you relaxed the boundary once that you will relax the boundary whenever they wish to talk. They will then assume that you will relax other boundaries as well, leaving you feeling like you have no ability to set any boundaries at all.
 
Setting boundaries with individuals who suffer from BPD requires your understanding that boundaries will be tested and preparing for this to occur. Setting boundaries successfully with sufferers of BPD will require the following elements:
 
  • The boundary must be clear. Individuals with BPD must be told that calls are not taken after 10 PM on weeknights. It is not sufficient to ask them not to call “too late”. They will argue that 2 AM is not too late for them.
  • The boundary must be consistent. Since the boundary will be tested, it must be made clear that there are no exceptions. If asked about an emergency, you tell them to call 911 in emergency. That is what you would do anyway. Other matters can wait until morning.
  • The boundary must be presented without anger. If you express anger towards them it will allow them to feel victimized and they will use it to justify both their breach of boundary and their reacting by punishing you.
 
The following dialogue will illustrate how to set a boundary around calling your home too late. The friend with BPD was asked not to call after 10 PM on weekdays but did so anyway to “test” your love and commitment.
 
Friend: “Why were you so nasty with me on the phone last night?”
You:    “I asked you not to call after 10 PM on a weeknight.”
Friend: “It was only 11:30.”
You:    “I just need to get some sleep before I go to work in the morning.”
Friend: “Oh, I am sorry I interrupted your precious sleep. I won’t call again without an appointment.”
You:    “That is not what I said. I am simply asking for some consideration.”
Friend: “Don’t worry, I won’t be calling you anymore. You can sleep as much as you like and call me if you want to speak to me.”
 
At this point the topic should be ended. The point should not be argued, because this suggests that the point may be negotiated. Boundaries must be consistent and therefore cannot be negotiated. You can try to change the topic and continue the conversation, but if the friend continues to try to punish you then you must end the call and try again at some other time to have a conversation with this person. If the friend subsequently calls during daytime hours you should pick up the phone and be pleasant. If they call late again you should not pick up the phone. Eventually, the friend will understand that they must respect your boundary if they want to have a relationship with you. Healthy individuals accept boundaries respectfully. Individuals with BPD must be forced to respect boundaries.
7 Comments
www.topaperwritingservices.com/review-bid4papers-com/ link
10/31/2018 03:13:10 am

My best friend has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It is hard to deal with people who have this disorder because you have to be very careful of the things you will say and actions you will do. I have known my best friend for about ten years now and I must admit that is is quite difficult at times. Nevertheless, I love her so much and I do not really mind the difficulty of our friendship. I choose to understand her situation and I know that she is grateful to have someone like me that she could count on when things get tough.

Reply
Dr. Daniel Lobel link
11/2/2018 11:53:03 am

Thank you for sharing your experience with my readers. It is wonderful that you get so much out of the relationship with your friend that you are willing to tolerate sometimes difficult transactions. You speak of some limitation in what you feel that you can and cannot say to her, which limits the intimacy of the relationship. I suggest that if you try to deepen the relationship by extending topics that can be discussed comfortably, you do so by first explaining that these are efforts to feel closer, not criticisms. People with BPD often naturally perceive boundaries or feedback as critical, but can sometimes accept that they are constructive to the relationship if it is explained to them.

Reply
Filiberto
3/9/2019 09:09:27 pm

My doctor diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. I did my research to find out I have Quiet BPD. I am clingy with this girl I just met. I have idealization/devaluation (or splitting) with my case manager. I go to this mental health center where no therapist knows about Borderline Personality Disorder. My group therapist doesn't know about BPD. I have an individual therapist, and I see him every 2-3 weeks. I have this issue of going to the hospital a lot with BPD. I really need help to find another group therapy for my BPD and 1-on-1 therapist. I want to have group therapy for my BPD for 2 hours a week and individual therapy once a week. That would help me to fully recover from this emotional regulation. I know that many people think this disorder doesn't have a cure, and I believe that there is a cure. Go to my therapist for 10 years, take my medications, and most importantly do my part. Don't let anybody tell me what to believe. I have a strong belief in getting better. Sleep, eat, and stay busy. I hope this can help somebody else struggling with Quiet BPD.

Reply
Daniel S. Lobel, Ph.D. link
3/24/2019 03:39:38 pm

Dear Filberto,
Thank you for sharing your experience with my readers. It is extremely valuable. It emphasizes the need for individuals suffering from BPD to seek out providers that specialize in this disorder.
DSL

Reply
Seri
11/12/2020 02:06:50 pm

No, you don't enforce boundaries.If the BDP accepts your boundaries(they won't),then fine.If the BDP doesn't accept your boundaries, he/she will continue to break them or just delete you from their life.And why not after all? You have the right to set a boundary, they have the right to just not give a shit about your boundary and you personally.Sorry, but boundaries don't work with BDP people.Try with somebody else

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Boundaries chat!
11/17/2020 10:52:25 pm

Hey Seri, sounds like you’ve had lousy experiences with people diagnosed with BPD not respecting your boundaries. That’s a rough experience, diagnosis or no. I get why there comes a point when people give up trying because it’s too hard and emotionally draining.

I’ve had the privilege of having friends who enforce boundaries. I have friends today, so hopefully I’m better at boundaries than previously. I have these friends to thank - friends who were within their rights to give up at any point, like you say.

You’re probably only too aware of the argument that “we’re in pain so how dare you maintain your boundaries!” Needless to say, it’s a rubbish argument. If it helps any, I can tell you that no matter what my behaviour has been, it’s never been about intentionally manipulating or disrespecting another person. Of course that’s the impact though, and I’ll spend my life making reparations for that.

My point is that the person/s who have hurt or are hurting you are literally trying not to die themselves. Their insides are on fire, so why would they waste time playing with your feelings for lols? They just have a big fire and no fire hydrant, which is zero fun when they also have no insight. The panic is so extreme that it leaves no room for anything except the selfishness you’re rightly angry at.

The boundaries discussion re BPD is so loaded. I just wish someone would realise that all things are true: people with the diagnosis can behave appallingly, this behaviour is never about anything other than trying to survive inside themselves, the person needs support (much of which is pathologising and deepens the victim mode and lack of sense of self, which is something for the psych profession to reflect deeply on when writing about us), and the people who have been manipulated and damaged by us are humans too, with vicarious trauma to boot.

All the things are true. And it’s not always useless to maintain a relationship with people diagnosed with BPD. You don’t have to give up the anger if you don’t want, but I’d strongly suggest revising the narrative.

Reply
Seri
11/18/2020 01:00:42 am

Hi!But I agree with you!I meant that someone has the right to set boundaries but bpd people have the right to not respect those boundaries and walk away.Some of my best friends have bpd and are better and more caring people than 99% of the people I know without bpd.




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