Why is setting boundaries with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) so difficult?

3/26/2017

Healthy relationships are based on behavioral boundaries that are understood and respected by both parties. Individuals who suffer from BPD are offended by your efforts to set boundaries with them. Their resistance to this process is a major factor in causing their relationships to be unstable and unsatisfactory to them. Understanding why this is the case requires an understanding of how having BPD inhibits the ability to understand boundaries and to use them to strengthen relationships.

Boundaries are expressions of what we need to feel safe and comfortable in relationships. This may include how you feel about being touched by another person, what you like to be called (e.g. Robert, Rob, Bob or Bobby, etc.). Safety and comfort are necessary for intimacy. The wish to be intimate is a motivation for respecting boundaries.

Healthy individuals understand that setting boundaries is a process of relationship building and they appreciate the opportunity to make you feel comfortable. They do not mind, not smoking in your house or not calling the home phone after 10 PM on weeknights. They feel privileged when you say “My friends call me Bobby” and are happy to comply with these boundaries.

Sufferers of BPD see your setting boundaries with them as a form of rejection. It makes them feel bad about themselves; less than. They believe that if you love them you will tolerate any and all behavior on their part to prove it. BPD causes sufferers to need constant reassurance from others that they are loved. This need causes them to test others in various ways to get them to prove their love and commitment. One core testing behavior is the challenging of personal boundaries. Seeing if you will speak to them at 2 AM because that is when they want to talk, even though you asked them not to call that late because you get up early for work in the morning, is such a test. The first part of the test is whether or not you pick up the phone. If you pass the first part, then the second part is whether or not you are angry. If you fail the first part you will be punished the next time you do speak. You will be accused of not being available in an emergency and of not caring. If you do pick up the phone and you are angry, you will be accused of being unloving and unsympathetic. The only way to pass the test is to allow them to violate your boundary and be nice about it!! Once you do this, the boundary will be retested. It will be assumed that since you relaxed the boundary once that you will relax the boundary whenever they wish to talk. They will then assume that you will relax other boundaries as well, leaving you feeling like you have no ability to set any boundaries at all.

Setting boundaries with individuals who suffer from BPD requires your understanding that boundaries will be tested and preparing for this to occur. Setting boundaries successfully with sufferers of BPD will require the following elements:

The boundary must be clear. Individuals with BPD must be told that calls are not taken after 10 PM on weeknights. It is not sufficient to ask them not to call “too late”. They will argue that 2 AM is not too late for them.
The boundary must be consistent. Since the boundary will be tested, it must be made clear that there are no exceptions. If asked about an emergency, you tell them to call 911 in emergency. That is what you would do anyway. Other matters can wait until morning.
The boundary must be presented without anger. If you express anger towards them it will allow them to feel victimized and they will use it to justify both their breach of boundary and their reacting by punishing you.

The following dialogue will illustrate how to set a boundary around calling your home too late. The friend with BPD was asked not to call after 10 PM on weekdays but did so anyway to “test” your love and commitment.

Friend: “Why were you so nasty with me on the phone last night?”
You:    “I asked you not to call after 10 PM on a weeknight.”
Friend: “It was only 11:30.”
You:    “I just need to get some sleep before I go to work in the morning.”
Friend: “Oh, I am sorry I interrupted your precious sleep. I won’t call again without an appointment.”
You:    “That is not what I said. I am simply asking for some consideration.”
Friend: “Don’t worry, I won’t be calling you anymore. You can sleep as much as you like and call me if you want to speak to me.”

At this point the topic should be ended. The point should not be argued, because this suggests that the point may be negotiated. Boundaries must be consistent and therefore cannot be negotiated. You can try to change the topic and continue the conversation, but if the friend continues to try to punish you then you must end the call and try again at some other time to have a conversation with this person. If the friend subsequently calls during daytime hours you should pick up the phone and be pleasant. If they call late again you should not pick up the phone. Eventually, the friend will understand that they must respect your boundary if they want to have a relationship with you. Healthy individuals accept boundaries respectfully. Individuals with BPD must be forced to respect boundaries.

22 Comments

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10/31/2018 03:13:10 am

My best friend has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It is hard to deal with people who have this disorder because you have to be very careful of the things you will say and actions you will do. I have known my best friend for about ten years now and I must admit that is is quite difficult at times. Nevertheless, I love her so much and I do not really mind the difficulty of our friendship. I choose to understand her situation and I know that she is grateful to have someone like me that she could count on when things get tough.

Dr. Daniel Lobel link

11/2/2018 11:53:03 am

Thank you for sharing your experience with my readers. It is wonderful that you get so much out of the relationship with your friend that you are willing to tolerate sometimes difficult transactions. You speak of some limitation in what you feel that you can and cannot say to her, which limits the intimacy of the relationship. I suggest that if you try to deepen the relationship by extending topics that can be discussed comfortably, you do so by first explaining that these are efforts to feel closer, not criticisms. People with BPD often naturally perceive boundaries or feedback as critical, but can sometimes accept that they are constructive to the relationship if it is explained to them.

Filiberto

3/9/2019 09:09:27 pm

My doctor diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. I did my research to find out I have Quiet BPD. I am clingy with this girl I just met. I have idealization/devaluation (or splitting) with my case manager. I go to this mental health center where no therapist knows about Borderline Personality Disorder. My group therapist doesn't know about BPD. I have an individual therapist, and I see him every 2-3 weeks. I have this issue of going to the hospital a lot with BPD. I really need help to find another group therapy for my BPD and 1-on-1 therapist. I want to have group therapy for my BPD for 2 hours a week and individual therapy once a week. That would help me to fully recover from this emotional regulation. I know that many people think this disorder doesn't have a cure, and I believe that there is a cure. Go to my therapist for 10 years, take my medications, and most importantly do my part. Don't let anybody tell me what to believe. I have a strong belief in getting better. Sleep, eat, and stay busy. I hope this can help somebody else struggling with Quiet BPD.

Daniel S. Lobel, Ph.D. link

3/24/2019 03:39:38 pm

Dear Filberto,
Thank you for sharing your experience with my readers. It is extremely valuable. It emphasizes the need for individuals suffering from BPD to seek out providers that specialize in this disorder.
DSL

Barbara

4/6/2021 03:55:35 am

Gentile Filiberto,
Volevo informarla che non esiste quiet borderline, shy borderline . Esiste invece functional BPD. Ho scoperto PROF. SAM VAKNIN da 1 anno, è su YouTube ed è il migliore nel suo campo. È colui che ha coniato il termine abuso narcisistico, no contact (e la strategia) , flying monkey's ecc.. Le consiglio vivamente di visitare il sito web e canale YouTube.

Barbara Nannucci link

7/24/2021 05:20:06 am

There is no such thing as a quiet or shy borderline. You can be high functioning,but you still have an inner secondary psychopath waiting to come forth in your defense, if you are triggered.

Ashley

10/22/2021 04:25:40 am

That’s nice that you believe there is a “cure” for BPD. Quite naïve. Mental illnesses are never “cured” we simply learn to manage our symptoms better. We seek treatment. Participate in therapy. Perhaps even take medications in conjunction with therapy. But “cure” is not something that is attainable in the realm of mental illness. There is simply management.

Nika

4/11/2022 12:04:30 am

Actually BPD can go into remission. It's disregulated emotions and fear of abandonment. It wasn't learned as a child due to neglect and/or trauma, but we can still learn to regulate as an adult. There is a therapy especially for that: dialectic behavorial therapy. I don't have BPD myself, but grew up for a few years with someone who was later diagnosed. It is possible. When administered adequate treatment studies show that after 2 years treatment most people don't meet the criteria for a diagnosis anymore.

We don't know how to treat every mental illness, that is true! But a lot can be treated!

Seri

11/12/2020 02:06:50 pm

No, you don't enforce boundaries.If the BDP accepts your boundaries(they won't),then fine.If the BDP doesn't accept your boundaries, he/she will continue to break them or just delete you from their life.And why not after all? You have the right to set a boundary, they have the right to just not give a shit about your boundary and you personally.Sorry, but boundaries don't work with BDP people.Try with somebody else

Boundaries chat!

11/17/2020 10:52:25 pm

Hey Seri, sounds like you’ve had lousy experiences with people diagnosed with BPD not respecting your boundaries. That’s a rough experience, diagnosis or no. I get why there comes a point when people give up trying because it’s too hard and emotionally draining.

I’ve had the privilege of having friends who enforce boundaries. I have friends today, so hopefully I’m better at boundaries than previously. I have these friends to thank - friends who were within their rights to give up at any point, like you say.

You’re probably only too aware of the argument that “we’re in pain so how dare you maintain your boundaries!” Needless to say, it’s a rubbish argument. If it helps any, I can tell you that no matter what my behaviour has been, it’s never been about intentionally manipulating or disrespecting another person. Of course that’s the impact though, and I’ll spend my life making reparations for that.

My point is that the person/s who have hurt or are hurting you are literally trying not to die themselves. Their insides are on fire, so why would they waste time playing with your feelings for lols? They just have a big fire and no fire hydrant, which is zero fun when they also have no insight. The panic is so extreme that it leaves no room for anything except the selfishness you’re rightly angry at.

The boundaries discussion re BPD is so loaded. I just wish someone would realise that all things are true: people with the diagnosis can behave appallingly, this behaviour is never about anything other than trying to survive inside themselves, the person needs support (much of which is pathologising and deepens the victim mode and lack of sense of self, which is something for the psych profession to reflect deeply on when writing about us), and the people who have been manipulated and damaged by us are humans too, with vicarious trauma to boot.

All the things are true. And it’s not always useless to maintain a relationship with people diagnosed with BPD. You don’t have to give up the anger if you don’t want, but I’d strongly suggest revising the narrative.

11/18/2020 01:00:42 am

Hi!But I agree with you!I meant that someone has the right to set boundaries but bpd people have the right to not respect those boundaries and walk away.Some of my best friends have bpd and are better and more caring people than 99% of the people I know without bpd.

4/6/2021 04:01:02 am

There is no such thing as a quiet or shy borderline.There is high functioning borderline, so I've heard from professor Sam Vaknin and he's a REAL expert, trust me!

7/24/2021 05:24:22 am

In 50% of cases over age 45, BPD symptoms spontaneously remit.

2/18/2023 05:56:08 am

I should be so lucky.

"Bobby" G Allen

11/15/2021 08:43:13 pm

our dUggter has been diagnosed w bpd and its been a loong bumpy road. its so hard trying to even hold a conversation w this young lady, she has no compassion or empathy the moment she gets angry the stories begin she has a great gift of lying. and her "goal" her words not ours is to get in between everyone and cause chaos she's not satisfied unless she has everyone going at each other, then she can console who she likes and thus feels " in control", she's always been that way, very bossy controlling & basically nasty both my dude of family and my now husbands family wants NOTHING to do w her its sad cuz they ALL saw and felt it before my wife n i opened our eyes, but the label bpd doesn't really mean anything to others, they simply don't understand it, & that's okay, she's done so much damage to us. ( even has tried to break up our marriage, even wen she came to visit and a neighbor stopped by to see her new born and then tried ar first to convince me he had wrong intentions toward ny wife, but him, his wife and us as a couple are all just good friends, but NOTHING inappropriate has EVER EVER came about, yet in telling her this she began to call me vulgar names telling me i was a big "V" cuz i let my wife cheat on me, my wife n i have been married 26 years and trust has been a very big deal in our lives we've always just trust each other, why waste our lives being jealous what a long waste of time, but our daughter doesn't seem to grasp this, needless to say, she has jumped relationships like she did jobs, she's VERY ENTITLED, and lies her way through life, couch jumping etc. her now B.F. or baby's daddy live w her ex G.F. (longesr relationship she's ever had, but that's back wen she was "gay" a self perclaimed lesbian, then next thing i know she calls saying she's pregnant w some guy she met online, idk but needless to say baby born w serval drugs in her system and since state of cali says Marijuana is legal nothing they can do about pot in her system except to advise educate the parents of what things the weed could do to child as she developes, i asked if baby was born drunk sincevits legal is the results the same? the case workers ONLY response, " i think you know the answer to that" not only this B.S. but the daughter B.F. weer living in texas, and collected diability food stamps and medical from state of Cali. her ex friend/ actual famiky member was upset cuz she did everthing by the book, being a single mother by herself did EVERTHING legally , and still was turned down, she turned the daughter in as unfairness to herself but daughter was able to lie herself through it, who knows but as parents of a self medicating child w this bpd, we've chose to have no contact there's no way we can protect the baby, as we know exactly what's going to happen as soon as the newness wears off and she can no longer hold baby over our heads who knows what will happen to That poor little baby girl no fair chance what so ever, but we've been ridiculed for putting the daughter out of our lives but she's to much for us to handle gets physical w my wife then has wife arrested everthing dropped once they saw everthing for what it REALLY was, she has done MANY unforgiving things to our family and unfortunately things are so much easier wen she isn't in our lives it isn't fair for the baby, now 6 months old, [as od Dec2101,] only thing qe can do is keep all the written proof to show baby girl wen she grows up, so she knows the truth, our daughter has tried so hard to make our lives miserable but in reality long run its made us closer wen they see it isn't our fault we've tried and went above and beyond to help her and our relationship w her but she's to much to handle expecially w the drugs that's she has continually filled that lil babies body with she actually was smoking the pure gel in the delivery room, and cps says " its ok" even though they know its going to cause mental issues w the baby she's THAT SELFISH how do you reason w that? you don't! only thing our therapist says is to block her out as her life is to toxic and into drugs etc. which we aren't, she's been arrested while pregnant for trying to get drugs across rexas border they thought they were going to sell it in that state, to Make good money, even after caught wen they moved there they did it again didn't get caught w a huge amount and judge threw out the first case, " unless that was all lies too" herv whole life is a scam and lies her way through life, she isn't even insurable to drive but does it has been in accident after accident all her fault yet nothing catching up to her yet but it has to Karma is huge in our family, meaning we believe in it strongly cuz we've seen it over and over again, are we horrible parents cuz wen he troubles all catch up to her, we WILL NOT CATCH HER FALL, NOT THIS TIME, let me also add this is just a very tiny portion

Unhappy mom

6/6/2022 11:04:54 am

Sounds terrible. We have a daughter with 2 yr old using the baby as a pawn.I am done too

Angela

3/19/2022 04:05:59 am

Hi - I need some advice. I am a nurse of many years experience. I have had a summary dismissal, following investigation and disaplinary from non clinical staff. Reason - I had requested a resident with long standing progressive PD to refrain from using her call bell so much, asi had an emergency to deal with. I ensured she was safe in her bed, and that she was comfortable, and satisfied with her needs. She said yes. I took to carers with me, to ensure she was positioned in her bed correctly, as she may need repositioning with her overhead hoist, and so to use them as a witness in case she became hostile and distorts the truth. In the morning, following the cares handover, they were laughing about this, this in turn prompted the morning carer to ask the PD resident how her night was. She answered she felt intimidated and frightened to use her call bell. Result summary dismissal by non clinical management. RCN are involved. Appeal date is end of March. Question - Did I do wrong, how could I have done better. Thank you.

3/19/2022 06:32:39 pm

Hi

I’m not a nurse, am just sharing in case it might be useful somehow.

From what you’ve said, and being conscious we’ve only got one side of the story here, you did fine IMO.

Unless I’m missing vital context, it seems the person you worked with may be lacking the systemic support they need to regulate their traumatic and traumatised emotions and feelings. The system itself is set up to make sure spotfires don’t go rogue - it does nothing for the underlying burning that destroys people from the inside on the daily. Individual workers within that system are often hamstrung even if they are excellent.

Perhaps the person you were working with did experience all the things they complained of, but felt afraid to be anything other than compliant in the moment - through no fault of your own. Perhaps their past experience only allows them to experience any interaction other than complete acquiescence as anything other than threatening.

I don’t know. And I don’t know if you could have done anything differently.

Though it’s very unideal for you, it is good that their recall of what occurred wasn’t dismissed outright just because of their diagnosis. If you did everything right, hopefully truth will prevail and the person you were working with gets the help they need.

TL;DR: the system perpetuates trauma, labels terminally hurting people with damaging, stigmatising diagnoses that stick, and that damage spreads to anyone within and around said system. You may well be collateral damage.

Evelyn

3/22/2022 04:18:32 am

I was involved with a woman with BPD for three years. I fell in love with her. She fell in love with me immediately. It was crazy. She put me through much
Even threatened my ex husband to kill him just because we were married once
Anyway. She put herself in the hospital now broke up with me and set boundaries to me. I am not to call her! So She is getting well. The stuff she put me through and I fell in love with her and she just breaks up over a text while she's in the hospital. And now her mother and doctors treat me like I was the toxic one. It hurts so much. I don't know what to do

Tyra

5/4/2022 06:09:59 am

Hey, I kind of want some second opinion… I was diagnosed with BPD about a year and a half ago. I did therapy and dbt but after a while I quit going. I continue things they taught me such meditation and mindfulness but I wanted to know if there were any other things that I could do to personally help (besides therapy… I’m working on getting back into that)

Gábor Szurdoki

3/13/2023 10:52:09 am

"“I just need to get some sleep before I go to work in the morning.”

I think this is ALREADY not okay. As a grown person, I do not have to EXPLAIN to a supposedly grown woman why she should not call me at night. I don't need to explain that and I don't need to make an excuse or give an explanation.

Sane people understand that. Borderlines don't care.

Steve

10/6/2023 01:43:23 pm

I used to have borderline symptoms.
Deep fear of abandonment and extreme expectation of rejection.

With about 5 to 7 years of engaging in seeking out the best therapies and practicing them I am completely well. Probably just like a normal person. Life at least in terms of relationships is worryless and pleasant.

I do have to point out that i was not highly manipulative or lying about it. I was more paranoid and had a deep fear of abandonment or rejection.

So I actually wanted to heal. However these complexes all follow same healing processes.

How I did it:

Watch John Bradshaw "the homecoming" series on YouTube. In the first episode he displays proper therapy on people. They are crying and going into age regression (back to let's say age 5) to relive the traumas. And doing this the emotions lessen, they use the wisdom of higher age and realize that there is no need for fear any more and the panic will come down. And thus heal.

Then you have to look into therapies that have a model for the subconcious. Very few therapies have that.

But honestly you have to become a better specialist in re-living painful emotions than most therapists are.

Gestalt is an okay start and miles ahead from anything else that you would normally find.

But very similar, and better is Internal Family Systems.

Both are great for accessing the pain that is running you. The pain is the emotions that were generated when you were a kid. The strong paranoia of abandonment which is equal to the fear of death.

10 000 years in forest or ice age if you did not have a fear of abandonment when picking berries with your mother at the age of 5 you could have easily gotten lost or killed. So it is a natural instict.

But at times the trauma can be also triggered by misimpretentation of a situation when the childs brain overestimates the risk. Maybe you were left outside alone and you just went into a massive traumatic emotion.

Or maybe your parent was emotionally unavailable and left you in your room and you went into panic loops.

Or maybe your parent felt deeply uncomfortable with closeness or touch. And you never received the safety. Developed a strong emotion. And now the mind started creating reasons why this emotion is the truth. Retraumatizong yourself again and again throughout childhood.

Anyways if you are interested in healing, you are in a fantastic position.

You have to find an emotionally explorative therapy. These unfortunately are not the "mainstream ones".

Also Tara Brach's book "radical self acceptance" has a meditation in the end which teaches you to become aware of your own feelings.

Even Tim Ferriss told this meditation was lifechanging for him and led him to eventually reexperience his childhood trauma of sexual abuse that was conpletely hidden by the brain.

Essentially all healing happens when you get into age regression and re-live the experience with the addition of more support to the traumatic situation by having tools of being a grown up.

Brene Brown's 'the power of vulnerability' can be also useful. Just remeber, that it is not about disclosing your secrets, not at all! Also not being vulnerable to toxic people around you!
But it is more about being real and being open or courageous to the reality if pain inside you. This helps you find it.

Anyways do whatever you can to access the traumatized inner child(or 'exiles' in IFS terms) to relive and release the pain that is running you.

After that the defence mechanisms which are secondary reactions will fall of, because there is no more intense pain inside you, nor projected onto situations.

You will completely release the unprocessed traumatic emotional charges if you are willing to explore and feel the pain. Hard while you do it!! Pretty easy in retrospect!!

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