Tool #2: The Anger Tool

 
Expressing anger in a relationship can cause damage to the relationship. In the extreme form anger is expressed abusively and damages both the other person and the relationship. This makes the other person angry and escalates conflict. This tool will show you how anger can be productively expressed without hurting others. Without this tool or another of similar function, anger cannot be discussed or resolved between individuals or in families.
            The experience of anger is the result of a perceived threat. It comes from the perception that someone has hurt you, is hurting you or will hurt you. The expression of anger is designed to push others away. Typical expressions include: yelling, threatening violence or other hurt, causing emotional pain, such as humiliation, etc. All of these expressions are experienced as toxic and work well to push others away.
If you don’t want to push the other person away, then you must express the underlying pain rather than the resultant anger. The simplest form of this transaction is to just say “ouch”. This is generally a very effective way of stopping a painful interaction. The next step is to determine how you are being hurt so that you can express it, which is often sufficient to stop the hurt. There are many different forms of hurt that occur between individuals, and the more specific you are the more focused the conversation that follows. Common forms of hurt include:

• Shame/humiliation
• Rejection/abandonment
• Disappointment
• Betrayal
• Abusive retribution – actions intended to hurt you as retribution for some offense that you may or may not be aware of
• Jealousy

 
Utilization of the anger tool is likely to radically improve the outcome of efforts at speaking to others about painful feelings. The example below will demonstrate the same interaction between a parent and a child with and without the anger tool.
 
Without the Anger Tool:
 
Child:
“What the hell were you doing going through my things? What kind of parent are you? Don’t you trust me? Stay the hell out of my room, my things and my life!”
 
This angry response features many attacks on the parent’s behavior and character. When individuals feel attacked, they become defensive, resulting in a response that might sound like this:
 
Parent:
“What else can I do after what you put me through with your stealing and drugging? You should be thankful that I don’t kick you out of here.”
 
The parent responds defensively and then counters with a threat of rejection/abandonment. The longer this conversation continues the more damage is done to the relationship. Now let’s look at the same exchange utilizing the anger tool.
 
With the Anger Tool:
 
Child:
“It really hurts my feelings when you go through my things. It makes me feel that you don’t trust me and it makes it very hard for me to feel welcome here.”
 
The child here expresses two different kinds of hurt: not being trusted and being unwanted/unwelcome. The expression of pain is more likely to get a supportive response that facilitates resolution, such as:
 
Parent:
“Of course you are welcome here, but I worry about some of your activities and I fear that you don’t tell me about some things that might be dangerous to you.”
 
Here the parent addresses the child’s feelings (being unwelcome), expresses her feelings and offers a productive resolution (more communication).
 
The anger tool can also be used effectively to modify angry communications that are hurtful to you. This is done by recognizing that when others are expressing anger towards you it is because they perceive you as a source of hurt, or a threat. Without the anger tool you are likely to feel attacked and respond defensively. Knowing that pain lies beneath anger allows you to ask an angry person about their pain, thus refocusing the conversation to a more productive exchange. An example of how the parent might have used the anger tool in the above example where the child does not use the anger tool is presented below:
 
Child:
“What the hell were you doing going through my things? What kind of parent are you? Don’t you trust me? Stay the hell out of my room, my things and my life!”
 
Utilizing the anger tool, the parent can thus respond:
 
Parent:
“I see that you are deeply hurt by my going through your things and I can see how not being trusted makes you feel unwelcome. Let’s try to come to another way to address my fears and concerns about your doing things that are bad for you.”
 
Consistent use of the anger tool allows individuals and families to communicate more comfortably and effectively about their feelings while increasing the chance of resolution and decreasing the conflict. This will increase trust and respect between individuals resulting in a stronger and more durable and secure bond between individuals with a greater level of comfort and satisfaction.