Setting limits with individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and others, often causes them to experience frustration which may be expressed as rage. Refusing them or restricting them in any way causes them to feel slighted, or worse, rejected. These feelings leave them feeling victimized, which then justifies lashing out behavior. This may take the form of challenges to the boundary, or possibly abusive behavior towards you for setting the boundary. Individuals with BPD not only feel the sense of helplessness that others associate with feeling like a victim, they also experience the boundary as an accusation of unworthiness. To them your putting up a boundary indicates that you see them as worthless and that this is why you won’t yield to them. Use of this tool will allow you to empower the person you are setting boundaries with so that they do not feel like a victim. This will reduce the challenging or testing of boundaries, and reduce the reactive abusive behavior.
The reason that individuals with BPD, as well as others, experience setting boundaries with them as being ‘mean’ or ‘unfair’ is that they do not understand that their behaviors are either intrusive or threaten to be intrusive. Behaviors that challenge personal space or emotional wellness cause others to express and reinforce boundaries to protect themselves, not to be rude. We rarely say “don’t touch me” to people who are not trying to touch us. Setting boundaries effectively can be done respectfully. This tool will show you how to set these boundaries respectfully without leaving others, particularly those with BPD, feeling victimized. The empowerment comes from holding the individuals responsible for their behavior by relating target behaviors to the need for boundary development and enforcement. Individuals with BPD are often seen as wielders of power who utilize their rage over others consistently in order to get their needs met. They are seen as powerful because of their willingness to engage in extreme behaviors in order to get others to yield to their wishes. Examples of these extreme behaviors include: hurtful comments, humiliation, self-mutilation and physically and emotionally abusive behaviors towards others. A natural response to these extreme behaviors is to try to limit them or restrict them by setting boundaries. These boundaries may include withdrawal from them, refusal to be with them in public, hiding the knives in the home, etc. Ironically, the experience of the individual with BPD is exactly the opposite. Individuals suffering BPD experience almost constant fear that others will leave them or abandon them and there is nothing they can do about it. This terrifies them. Almost all of their extreme behaviors are a reaction to feelings of impotence and undesirability. The intensity of their feelings of helplessness cause them to over-compensate for these feelings with maximal aggression in any situation where they feel challenged. Presenting boundaries as further restriction to those who are already feeling helpless and abandoned often makes them more aggressive. For this reason it is generally more effective, and particularly so with BPD sufferers, to set boundaries through empowerment, rather than disempowerment or restriction. Tell them what they can do to get at least some of what they want rather than telling them what not to do. Following is a hypothetical situation where a guest is being told not to smoke cigarettes in the home of the host. Most individuals who smoke generally either do not smoke in other people’s houses unless they know them to also be smokers, or they ask first if the host minds if they smoke. A situation where a guest is told not to smoke in the house only arises if the guest takes for granted that it is alright to smoke in the host’s home. Without the Victim-Empowerment Tool, setting boundaries, particularly with an individual with BPD, is likely to result in conflict either from the person challenging the boundary or having a rage response. Without The Victim-Empowerment Tool: Host: “I do not allow smoking in my home. You will have to get out with that cigarette.” Guest: “I only have a few puffs left.” Host: “I told you no smoking. Get out of here with that cigarette.” Guest: “I don’t need to be here. I will go where I am wanted as I am.” In this example, the boundary (no smoking in the house) is heard as a rejection/abandonment. The guest initially challenges the boundary. The host reinforces the boundary and the guest feels abandoned and respond aggressively. Using The Victim-Empowerment Tool allows for setting the same boundary respectfully and without conveying a sense of rejection/abandonment and hence victimization. With The Victim-Empowerment Tool Host: “I am so happy to see you. Would you mind finishing that cigarette outside and then we can sit and catch up. I will pour you some coffee in the meantime.” Guest: “OK. I will be right back.” Utilization of the Victim-Empowerment Tool focuses on what behaviors will result in them feeling welcomed and empowered, rather than focusing on restricting them from visiting. The same boundary, regarding smoking is effectively set without ensuing conflict. The tendency to restrict a person with extreme behaviors is probably strongest when that person is your daughter. Your daughter is also probably most sensitive to such restrictions, particularly if she suffers from BPD. In the following hypothetical exchange the child behaves intrusively and the mother attempts to put up a boundary. Without The Victim-Empowerment Tool Child: “My friends are coming over tonight so you and dad stay out of our way, or better yet why don’t you go out?” Mom: “We didn’t discuss this advance.” Child: “So what?” Mom: “So we are having some couples over tonight to play bridge so you cannot have your friends over tonight.” Child: “I can’t have my friends over because of a bunch of losers playing with each other?” Mom: “You should have asked in advance.” Child: “So now what – I tell my friends not to come and then I have no more friends. I’ll kill myself and then you can enjoy your card game while I bleed to death.” In this example the mother responds to her daughter’s effort to intrude on her evening by setting a boundary and restricting her. This makes her feel more helpless and she increases her threats of extreme behavior. The effect is to escalate the conflict and compromise the relationship between mother and daughter. With The Victim-Empowerment Tool Child: “My friends are coming over tonight so you and dad stay out of our way, or better yet why don’t you go out?” Mom: “We didn’t discuss this in advance.” Child: “So what?” Mom: “So we are having some couples over tonight to play bridge. We will be playing in the living room. Perhaps you and your friends can hang out downstairs.” In this version, the mother is able to convey a cooperative attitude while still setting the same boundary: the bridge game was set up first and hence has priority. Below the child challenges/tests the boundary. Child: “Why don’t you and your friends play in the basement and we will occupy the living room?” Whereas the child’s response is still far from ideal, the direction is one of cooperation/negotiation rather than threatening extreme behavior (suicide). This gives the mom the chance to also respond cooperatively, which does not damage the relationship between mother and daughter. Mom: “If it is important to you to entertain friends in the living room, then you can have them earlier, before our bridge game, or later, afterward. You may also have your friends over tomorrow.” This response empowers the child by helping the child form viable compromises that she can choose from and still get much of what she wants. If the child continues to argue the mother can remind her that she can have her friends over if she is willing to compromise either the time or location. The mother can then emphasize that the child has a choice to make and she must take responsibility for her choices and actions, as all adults need to do. This encourages healthy behavior on the daughter’s part while engaging in healthy compromise with her and thus strengthening the bond between mother and daughter rather than weakening it.
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You will never feel secure while depending on others for your physical or emotional safety or well-being. You protect yourself from being hurt by setting and maintaining interpersonal boundaries. Boundaries are limits that define a person’s comfort zone. When boundaries are not respected people feel as though they are violated, which is destructive to relationships. Boundaries can be physical, such as not touching one’s person or possessions, or they can be emotional, such as needing to be respectful of one’s feelings, or confidences. This tool will help you minimize conflict and maximize the opportunity for closeness while protecting the boundaries you need to feel safe in relationships.
Every human exchange has attributes of form as well as content. The formal aspect of an interaction involves the way the individuals treat each other in the transaction. For example, is it formal or informal? Honest or deceptive? Respectful or threatening?, etc. The content is what is being done or discussed. Physical content could include types of touching that are and are not acceptable, or personal items that must not be touched, or moved or taken. Emotional content is whatever a conversation might be about. Common contents that might become emotionally charged include; money, parenting, health, etc. Using the Form Before Content Tool involves setting a boundary, where you will not entertain any content unless the form is civil or respectful. If you respond to content while the form is disrespectful, or worse yet abusive, you reinforce that it is acceptable to treat you this way. Refusal to respond when treated disrespectfully installs a healthy boundary – that communication must be respectful. Below is a hypothetical example of a conversation between a parent and a child concerning the child’s wish to use the parents’ car. Without the Form-Before-Content Tool: Child: “Can I borrow the car tonight?” Parent: “I’m sorry, I need it tonight.” Child: “What do you have to do that is so important?” Parent: “I have book club every Thursday night.” Child: “Can’t you miss one precious night?” Parent: “The group is expecting me.” Child: “That’s right you put your stupid book club before me. What kind of a loser parent are you?” Parent: “This is my car. I will let you use it when I can but it would help if you gave me notice.” Child: “Forget it. I don’t need your stinking car.” In this dialogue the parent ignores the child’s form, which is escalation in aggression towards the parent, and focuses only on the content. This signals to the child that it is acceptable to use aggression to try to compel the parent and so the child escalates the aggression further in an effort to change the parent’s mind about giving up the car. With the Form-Before-Content Tool: Child: “Can I borrow the car tonight?” Parent: “I’m sorry, I need it tonight.” Child: “What do you have to do that is so important?” Parent: “It is not important what I am doing tonight, it is important that I already have plans to use the car so it is not available to you this evening.” Child: “Oh that’s showing me who is boss.” Parent: “I am willing to have a discussion with you about your evening plans but not until you speak to me in a respectful tone, and I will do the same towards you.” Using the Form-Before-Content Tool the parent sets the first boundary when the child asks what the parent is doing. The form here is that the child is going to judge (with a bias) whether the parent’s plans for the evening justify denying the child the use of the car. This form – the parent allowing the child to judge the parent’s decision – is rejected by the parent, and a boundary is set. The second boundary was set when the child began to get sassy. The parent then clearly stated the willingness to discuss the child’s needs/wants but only if the child remains respectful. The child will either accept the boundary or test it by attempting to violate it. The child is strongly encouraged to accept the boundary by the offer to discuss the child’s needs/wants if the form is acceptable. If the child does accept the boundary then effort should be made to facilitate the child’s agenda without undue compromise on the parent’s part. If the child challenges the boundary, such as by escalating the aggressiveness towards abusiveness, then the conversation must be shut down immediately. The parent must refuse to discuss the topic until the tone is adjusted. While the example above depicts a parent and a child, the Form-Before-Content Tool can be used effectively in any relationship. This tool is often used in the workplace, although it is not labeled this way. Most businesses have protocols that contain boundaries as to how employees must treat customers and each other. When installing these boundaries into relationships that have been operating dysfunctionally without them some resistance is to be expected. The resistance mostly takes the form of testing the boundaries. This involves violating them to see if you are committed to your boundary. If you hold those boundaries consistently, the amount of testing is likely to decrease as the boundary is finally accepted. Remember, the person you are setting boundaries with benefits from these boundaries because they allow you to be closer to them and more cooperative with them. This is a form of relationship building. Without these boundaries you are likely to end up resenting them because you allow them to be hurtful to you, which is destructive to the relationship. Expressing anger in a relationship can cause damage to the relationship. In the extreme form anger is expressed abusively and damages both the other person and the relationship. This makes the other person angry and escalates conflict. This tool will show you how anger can be productively expressed without hurting others. Without this tool or another of similar function, anger cannot be discussed or resolved between individuals or in families. The experience of anger is the result of a perceived threat. It comes from the perception that someone has hurt you, is hurting you or will hurt you. The expression of anger is designed to push others away. Typical expressions include: yelling, threatening violence or other hurt, causing emotional pain, such as humiliation, etc. All of these expressions are experienced as toxic and work well to push others away. If you don’t want to push the other person away, then you must express the underlying pain rather than the resultant anger. The simplest form of this transaction is to just say “ouch”. This is generally a very effective way of stopping a painful interaction. The next step is to determine how you are being hurt so that you can express it, which is often sufficient to stop the hurt. There are many different forms of hurt that occur between individuals, and the more specific you are the more focused the conversation that follows. Common forms of hurt include:
Utilization of the anger tool is likely to radically improve the outcome of efforts at speaking to others about painful feelings. The example below will demonstrate the same interaction between a parent and a child with and without the anger tool. Without the Anger Tool: Child: “What the hell were you doing going through my things? What kind of parent are you? Don’t you trust me? Stay the hell out of my room, my things and my life!” This angry response features many attacks on the parent’s behavior and character. When individuals feel attacked, they become defensive, resulting in a response that might sound like this: Parent: “What else can I do after what you put me through with your stealing and drugging? You should be thankful that I don’t kick you out of here.” The parent responds defensively and then counters with a threat of rejection/abandonment. The longer this conversation continues the more damage is done to the relationship. Now let’s look at the same exchange utilizing the anger tool. With the Anger Tool: Child: “It really hurts my feelings when you go through my things. It makes me feel that you don’t trust me and it makes it very hard for me to feel welcome here.” The child here expresses two different kinds of hurt: not being trusted and being unwanted/unwelcome. The expression of pain is more likely to get a supportive response that facilitates resolution, such as: Parent: “Of course you are welcome here, but I worry about some of your activities and I fear that you don’t tell me about some things that might be dangerous to you.” Here the parent addresses the child’s feelings (being unwelcome), expresses her feelings and offers a productive resolution (more communication). The anger tool can also be used effectively to modify angry communications that are hurtful to you. This is done by recognizing that when others are expressing anger towards you it is because they perceive you as a source of hurt, or a threat. Without the anger tool you are likely to feel attacked and respond defensively. Knowing that pain lies beneath anger allows you to ask an angry person about their pain, thus refocusing the conversation to a more productive exchange. An example of how the parent might have used the anger tool in the above example where the child does not use the anger tool is presented below: Child: “What the hell were you doing going through my things? What kind of parent are you? Don’t you trust me? Stay the hell out of my room, my things and my life!” Utilizing the anger tool, the parent can thus respond: Parent: “I see that you are deeply hurt by my going through your things and I can see how not being trusted makes you feel unwelcome. Let’s try to come to another way to address my fears and concerns about your doing things that are bad for you.” Consistent use of the anger tool allows individuals and families to communicate more comfortably and effectively about their feelings while increasing the chance of resolution and decreasing the conflict. This will increase trust and respect between individuals resulting in a stronger and more durable and secure bond between individuals with a greater level of comfort and satisfaction. How we listen affects what we hear. This tool will allow you to tailor how you listen and maximize your ability to hear those you communicate with. As most conflicts between individuals have some aspect of miscommunication, this tool will help reduce conflict by improving the accuracy of communication.
A very common form of listening involves seeking specific information. The most basic form is asking someone a question and then waiting for them to answer. Other examples include listening for:
These are all examples of listening with an agenda, or listening for. This way of listening focuses attention on an essential piece of information, such as medical diagnosis, but it does so at the cost of missing much of the additional information being presented. Individuals often return from doctor’s visits with a diagnosis but having ‘forgotten’ everything else that was said during the visit. They were listening for the diagnosis rather than listening to the doctor and hence most of what the doctor said was lost. Personal relationships are just as profoundly affected by how we listen. Children often listen for compliments or validation from their parents and have difficulty hearing anything else. Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) tend to be listening for rejection or abandonment. In this way they increase their chances of finding it. They also often don’t hear much of the rest of what is being said to them. Similarly, family members of individuals with BPD, after having several experiences with being provoked into conflict, come to expect this from BPD suffers and listen for it. This makes them more likely to hear this and less likely to hear anything else that they are being told. Listening to another person involves listening without an agenda. Becoming better at listening to others will take practice and discipline, but it is well worth the effort. Optimal listening to others requires actively focusing your attention while others are speaking to you. You must construct for yourself an understanding of what is communicated to you that allows you to hear not only what you do expect, but also what you might not expect. The following exercises will help you to effectively listen to what others are trying to tell you. They should be practiced whenever possible and they will eventually become habitual.
Listening to other people and encouraging them to listen to you will improve communication and decrease conflict. This technique is particularly effective when used with other tools in the Mysideofthecouch.com toolbox. |
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