Tool #3: The Boundary Tool - Form-Before-Content

​You will never feel secure while depending on others for your physical or emotional safety or well-being. You protect yourself from being hurt by setting and maintaining interpersonal boundaries. Boundaries are limits that define a person’s comfort zone. When boundaries are not respected people feel as though they are violated, which is destructive to relationships. Boundaries can be physical, such as not touching one’s person or possessions, or they can be emotional, such as needing to be respectful of one’s feelings, or confidences. This tool will help you minimize conflict and maximize the opportunity for closeness while protecting the boundaries you need to feel safe in relationships.
            Every human exchange has attributes of form as well as content. The formal aspect of an interaction involves the way the individuals treat each other in the transaction. For example, is it formal or informal? Honest or deceptive? Respectful or threatening?, etc. The content is what is being done or discussed. Physical content could include types of touching that are and are not acceptable, or personal items that must not be touched, or moved or taken. Emotional content is whatever a conversation might be about. Common contents that might become emotionally charged include; money, parenting, health, etc.
            Using the Form Before Content Tool involves setting a boundary, where you will not entertain any content unless the form is civil or respectful. If you respond to content while the form is disrespectful, or worse yet abusive, you reinforce that it is acceptable to treat you this way. Refusal to respond when treated disrespectfully installs a healthy boundary – that communication must be respectful. Below is a hypothetical example of a conversation between a parent and a child concerning the child’s wish to use the parents’ car.
 
Without the Form-Before-Content Tool:
 
Child:  “Can I borrow the car tonight?”
Parent: “I’m sorry, I need it tonight.”
Child:  “What do you have to do that is so important?”
Parent: “I have book club every Thursday night.”
Child:  “Can’t you miss one precious night?”
Parent: “The group is expecting me.”
Child:  “That’s right you put your stupid book club before me. What kind of a loser parent are you?”
Parent: “This is my car. I will let you use it when I can but it would help if you gave me notice.”
Child:  “Forget it. I don’t need your stinking car.”
 
In this dialogue the parent ignores the child’s form, which is escalation in aggression towards the parent, and focuses only on the content. This signals to the child that it is acceptable to use aggression to try to compel the parent and so the child escalates the aggression further in an effort to change the parent’s mind about giving up the car.
 
With the Form-Before-Content Tool:
 
Child:  “Can I borrow the car tonight?”
Parent: “I’m sorry, I need it tonight.”
Child:  “What do you have to do that is so important?”
Parent: “It is not important what I am doing tonight, it is important that I already have plans to use the car so it is not available to you this evening.”
Child:  “Oh that’s showing me who is boss.”
Parent: “I am willing to have a discussion with you about your evening plans but not until you speak to me in a respectful tone, and I will do the same towards you.”
 
Using the Form-Before-Content Tool the parent sets the first boundary when the child asks what the parent is doing. The form here is that the child is going to judge (with a bias) whether the parent’s plans for the evening justify denying the child the use of the car. This form – the parent allowing the child to judge the parent’s decision – is rejected by the parent, and a boundary is set. The second boundary was set when the child began to get sassy. The parent then clearly stated the willingness to discuss the child’s needs/wants but only if the child remains respectful.
            The child will either accept the boundary or test it by attempting to violate it. The child is strongly encouraged to accept the boundary by the offer to discuss the child’s needs/wants if the form is acceptable. If the child does accept the boundary then effort should be made to facilitate the child’s agenda without undue compromise on the parent’s part. If the child challenges the boundary, such as by escalating the aggressiveness towards abusiveness, then the conversation must be shut down immediately. The parent must refuse to discuss the topic until the tone is adjusted.
            While the example above depicts a parent and a child, the Form-Before-Content Tool can be used effectively in any relationship. This tool is often used in the workplace, although it is not labeled this way. Most businesses have protocols that contain boundaries as to how employees must treat customers and each other.
            When installing these boundaries into relationships that have been operating dysfunctionally without them some resistance is to be expected. The resistance mostly takes the form of testing the boundaries. This involves violating them to see if you are committed to your boundary. If you hold those boundaries consistently, the amount of testing is likely to decrease as the boundary is finally accepted. Remember, the person you are setting boundaries with benefits from these boundaries because they allow you to be closer to them and more cooperative with them. This is a form of relationship building. Without these boundaries you are likely to end up resenting them because you allow them to be hurtful to you, which is destructive to the relationship.